50 Reasons To Hate You
by A Cannibalistic Skittle
Summary: Karkat, the grumpy teenage troll, is sent to an alien planet, 'Earth' by the Condensce. He's forced to attend human 'high school' and room with one asshole by the name of Strider. Watch in this twisted tale as he adjusts to life on Earth, learning customs and trying to fit in- all while spurning the unwanted advances of his human roomate. '50 First Dates' themed.


Karkat Vantas was one sad, sorry son of a fuck. And he knew it, too.

This fact was especially apparent to him as he rounded the corner to the front doors of his new high school. Or, should he say, his first ever high school.

He was a bundle of nerves, snappy and irritated at the general populace of the world. Not to say this wasn't unusual, but even moreso now than on a normal day. Though, a brand new school, home, and planet all together tends to do that to a young troll of just seven solar sweeps.

Having only landed on the planet several hours ago, Karkat's feelings and thoughts were a jumble. He had been one of the twelve trolls to be chosen to travel to this planet, a journey away from his home planet, Alternia. He had been sent to blend in and interact with the creatures that inhabited 'Earth', by attending their schools and living with their people. The two planets had started an exchange program of sorts- sending the young off to each other's planets in hopes to create a bond of peace between the two. Though, Karkat wasn't sure the intentions of his home planet were exactly innocent- it wasn't a secret that Alternia had a reputation for taking over distant planets as their own, usually starting by making contact and gaining intelligence from the beings that inhabit the planet to eventually overthrow them.

Though that wasn't something Karkat needed to worry about, as he was of the first of his kind to land on this god forsaken planet. It would be a long while before they would decide to invade, if they did at all. The planet needs to be able to accommodate troll life, and meet the needs of all of their kind. Thus, twelve trolls- all different levels on the hemospectrum, were chosen to make the journey to the foreign planet. Karkat, being the only mutant blood troll known on Alternia, was an obvious choice to send. That, and the fact that usually the first line of intel gatherers usually didn't survive, he supposed this was a way for his superiors to off the 'disgusting' mutant blood. His eyes had only just turn pigmented with his true color, and it became impossible to hide anymore. He was a disgrace to the troll race- not even on the hemospectrum scale. Why shouldn't he be on the first line of disposables? That's what he figured they reasoned, anyway.

But besides the intergalactic drama of his situation, he had more pressing matters at hand. Karkat had no idea where he was going, what he was suppose to be doing, what the human customs were, or any of that shit. He was completely in the dark- like a small child lost in a department store, unable to find it's parents.

Then again, Karkat hadn't the faintest idea what a child, department store, or parents were, so he didn't bother with the analogy.

The sign in front of the building was hard to read for the young troll- he had been taught basic english, but had barely touched on reading and writing. He made out the last words on the sign to be 'high school', which gave him his first lead. he had been briefed that he would be attending this 'high school', and staying in a place humans called a 'dorm.' He could only hope to his Alternian gods that he was in the right place, and that someone inside could direct him on where to go.

He entered the front doors, greeted by the smell of ink and air freshener. A human sat behind a large desk, her claw-like fingers tapping away at a computer. Her eyes snapped up to him as he entered, bells tingling above the doorway to alert everybody of the incoming presence. Her expression was strange, a mix of fascination and surprise. She quickly covered it with a wide smile, to which Karkat felt the need to roll his eyes at. Humans were so disgusting with their pinkish flesh and light hair, and it was obvious to him that she had never seen a troll before.

"Hey there, honey! You must be the new transfer student," she said, with a thick drawl. Karkat scowled at her. She shuffled through some papers on her desk before, pulling a folder out and opening it up.

"Karkit Vantus?" she asked, looking up at him through her large rimmed glasses. Karkat crossed his arms. Typical of a human to not even be able to pronounce his name. He could tell already that this language barrier was going to be a pain in his ass.  
"It's Karkat Vantas, you dumbfuck," he replied, snarling at her. She visibly flinched back at his spite, a look of evident shock displaying more on her features than before. Her uneasiness began to show as she scrutinized him.

"M-my mistake, young man.I have your papers here," she said, holding the folder out to him. He glared at her for a minute before stepping forward and taking it, and the secretary woman snatched her hand back with a lightning quickness. She sat down in her seat yet again, and turned her attention back to her computer.

She jumped a minute later as Karkat, who had not moved from his spot, cleared his throat loudly.  
"Sorry, but, uh, I can't read this human gibberish," he mumbled in an embarrassed tone, his candy colored blood rushing to his cheeks. He failed to hide his uncomfortableness, violently cursing himself for showing his insuperiority to this human. He couldn't read english, so he was going to have to rely on someone for help to figure everything out. He hated relying on others for things, especially things that must have seem so elementary. He felt like a grub.

"Oh," she said, jumping up yet again and placing her hands on her cheeks in an overly comical expression, "I'm so sorry honey, I hadn't realized. Let me get someone to show you around. Can I see that back for a second?"

He handed her back the folder, not amused by her fumbling. She flipped a few pages before dialing a number on her office phone and speaking quickly. She hung up and handed him back the folder. Only a minute later did a young girl appear out from down a hallway. She had cropped, platinum blonde hair (of which seemed to be native to this planet, Karkat mused) , a standard official looking uniform, and black lips that contrasted greatly with her extremely pale, fleshy human skin. She held a high, snooty air about her, vaguely reminding Karkat of another young troll he knew.

"Miss Lalonde! Thank you for coming. Our new student needs someone to show him around to his dorm and classes. He can't read," the secretary said, smiling in relief at the girl.

"I can fucking read!" Karkat interjected, "just not not this shit," he snapped scowling at the woman. She shrunk back into her chair. He had a brief moment of guilt at the look on her face before it quickly passed. He was so lost and disoriented, there was no time for him to play polite with these aliens.

"What a temper we have on this one," 'Lalonde' stated dryly, studying him. She came forward and took the folder from him, not asking for permission of any sort. It was almost Karkat's turn to flinch as her hand invaded his personal space, briefly brushing his. She paid no mind and opened the folder up.  
"I will show you around," she said, turning and gesturing for him to follow. He let out a quiet grumble of not-so-pleasant words as he walked behind her obediently.

"You will stay in the Traverse dorm, which is just across the courtyard," she said, staring down at his folder as they walked, seeming to pay no mind to where she was walking, all while avoiding obstacles and never straying from her path. Karkat's eyebrows rose at her nonchalance.

"Is that the word you humans use for a hive?" He asked referring to this 'dorm' she spoke of, his hands tightening around the duffle bag thrown over his shoulder containing his few possessions. He could feel his sharp nails digging into the straps and poking tiny holes.

"I'm assuming it is," she replied, not looking up, "I will show you your first class and your locker, and I'll assume you can get someone to help you with the rest. Then we'll go to your dorm."

He trudged after her in relative silence after that, at a loss for how to make conversation with the girl. These humans were different than the troll he knew. He would have to learn the guidelines of mannerisms and things if he was going to function successfully here, and make it as painless as possible. They seemed less barbaric and rude than his own race, however this Lalonde girl seemed to have a veiled almost hostile air. He would almost subscribe her as... Sarcastic?

"This is going to suck major bulge," he muttered, to which she looked up and shot him a blank stare.

"Oh, how do you humans say? Suck major 'dick'?"

"How charming."

Karkat couldn't be sure if all humans were as sarcastic as this girl or if it was just her personality. By the way the secretary acted, he was leaning towards the latter.

They exited the building and entered the one right next to it, this one different than the last. Instead of office looking rooms and short hallways, it was full of rectangular boxes lining the walls and doors leading into rooms with desks and boards. Karkat assumed this is where schooling took place, much to his displeasure. The air seemed stuffy and stale; he couldn't imagine how Earth children lived like this. Rose stopped at a door that was about two rooms away from the entrance, turning to him.  
"This is your first period classroom, it is Chemistry with Miss Crocker. The rest of your classes are upstairs. I'm assuming you have stairs on your planet, yes?"

"Don't be a douchewipe, Lalonde. Yes we have stairs," he growled at her.  
"Good, so I don't have to teach you the mechanics. Let's go to your locker," she said, deadpanned. The blonde turned on her heel and headed down a hallway. It wasn't a long walk before she stopped in front of one of the conjoined metal boxes lining the walls.

"This is your locker. You place your school items in it when you don't need them. Lucky for you, we don't have combination locks, just take the key and insert it into the hole," she said, slipping a small key out of the pocket in the folder and into the lock, opening it. The inside smelled of stale paint and metal, and was baren.

"You can decorate them with trivial things, as most students do. Such as pictures of cute puppies and friends. You do know what friends are, right Vantas?"

"Fuck you."

"And puppies?"

"Shut the fuck up before I stab your eyes out with a rusty knife."

She gave him a dry smile. "No puppies then? What an experience it will be for you to see one for the first time. You've been missing out," she said.

"Are you always such a bitch or is this your poor attempt at kismesises with me?" He retorted, irritated at the fact that he actually didn't know what a 'puppies' was. He wasn't about to tell her this.

"Oh, rest assured, I'm just naturally this quick witted," she replied, before shutting the metal box and handing him the key. He cast a quick glance at the long row of lockers, sure that he would most likely not remember which was his. But that was a problem for another time.

She led him out of the building and across the courtyard. As they went by, Karkat silently groveled at the tall, lush green trees and gardens of plants in every color imaginable. Boxes of sweet smelling flowers lined the walkways, in every shade of the hemospectrum and some in between. Vibrant yellows and purples and reds, not much unlike the colors of troll blood. Karkat scoffed at the red rows, taking up the abundances of the boxes. Was red a primary color here? The troll despised the color, due to the sludge that ran through his veins. He was made a mockery because of it, but it didn't seem that humans saw it the same. Certainly, if the same blood system applied here, the abundance of colors would be of magentas and blues? He wasn't about to ask Lalonde about it, though. He would save his inquiries for another time, preferably for another human with less.. Dry humor. He wasn't taking too well to being indirectly made fun of.

They reached another tall building, the exterior not much dissimilar to the others surrounding it. Karkat yet again worried about having to find his way around, but figured that he had bigger problems at hand. His jumbled thoughts were becoming less disoriented, and more concerned. Would he have to share a respiteblock with someone? What if he has to share one with a human? Where would he sleep? Do humans eat the same things he did? Would human food be poisonous to him? What of the other trolls? Were they in the same school, or on the opposite end of the planet? Was he really alone here, by himself? He hardly thought of the Lalonde girl as good company.

They entered, and rode an elevator up to the fourth floor.

"Your room number is 413. I'm supposing you will have a roommate, but your room is probably unoccupied for the time being. There is still five days before classes start, most students don't move in this early," Rose said, as they exited and walked down a small hall, reach a door with the number '413' on it. Karkat mentally smacked himself, remembering vaguely that there were numbers above the metal boxes called 'lockers' also. He would have to try to seek his locker number out sometime before school started. Lalonde removed yet another key from the folder and inserted it into the lock on the door, pushing it open.

"Make sure to never leave without the key, the rooms lock automatically when you shut the door. Wouldn't want to be the guy sleeping outside in his nightclothes because he locked himself out," she warned, no hint of humor in her voice. He took the key and threw another irritated look at her. She handed him the folder.

"The rest, I'm assuming, your roommate can show you. Do call upon my assistance if you need it," she said in a deadpanned voice. It was hard for Karkat to tell when she was being serious; as if she were really offering him more help or if it was just customary. He hoped all humans weren't like this.

Without further ado, Lalonde left and Karkat entered what would be his hive for the rest of his stay, however long that may be. Throwing his duffle bag to the floor as he entered, the first thing he noticed was the lack of space. A tiny sink and thermal hull sat in one corner, which Karkat assumed was to store food. Two other structures were occupying the other corners. They were rectangular, and when Karkat went over to feel one, he discovered that the surface was soft and squishy. Two small tables sat next to the structures, each adorn with lamps that lit the room. There was a tiny door to the right, to which Karkat ventured and discovered it to be a closet. Many things were running through his thinkpan at once. First, where was the recuperacoon? Where was he suppose to sleep? Is that what these rectangular pieces are for? Where was the sopar slime suppose to go? Was he suppose to rest without it? And the ablution trap? Did humans not clean themselves? Karkat walked back over to the rectangular structure and leaned on it, and it creaked under his weight. He quickly jumped up in a startled motion, and was glad that none of the other trolls were there to witness such a sad display.

Rose had been right about one thing, he would be sharing a respiteblock with a human. However, that human wasn't here yet. Grabbing his bag from the floor, he moved it onto the thing he assumed to be his sleeping station. What was he suppose to do now?

"Fuck my god damn worthless life," Karkat muttered, kicking the frame of his sleeping station. He noticed the bright letters of the clock on the nightstand blink. It read 7:00 P.M. he supposed it was feeding time for the humans, if they were on any kind of schedule like his. He made his way over to the thermal hull, a slim hope pertaining that there would be something edible in it. He cursed as he opened it, finding it empty. His stomach rumbled, having not been fed all day.

It didn't matter though, as Karkat wasn't about to go wandering out into the human world to look for food. Who knows where he might end up, and how he would get home.

Deciding there was nothing better to do, Karkat unpacked. Unzipping his duffle bag, the first thing he noticed was a bright purple logo. Pulling the item out of his bag, he recognized it to be a bottle of Faygo. Attached was a note that read 'ThOuGhT yOu MiGhT lIkE a SnAcK fOr ThE jOuRnEy, HoNk Honk :O)'

It didn't even need to have a signature for him to know the... 'gift' had come from his best friend, Gamzee. No other troll would consume this drink, plus the handwriting on the note was a dead give away. Karkat gave a small smile at the antics of his best friend. Looking back into his bag, he noticed a slightly smooshed lime green object also placed above his belongings. He pulled it out, shaking his head. One of Gamzee's supor pies. It was a thoughtful gesture, but there was no way Karkat was putting that sludge in his mouth. The stuff was dangerous. He placed both on the counter, before going back to his bag and pulling out his clothes, hanging them on hangers he found in the closet. His wardrobe consisted of grey skinny jeans and black, long sleeved shirts with the cancer sign. Though he supposed these were useless, the school had a uniform dress code. He would be forced to wear what the humans did. On the floor of the closet he found some neatly wrapped packages, to which he opened to find the offending uniforms.

Dress shirts in black, white, and red. Ties of the same color. Black dress pants.

Karkat unfolded the pants, holding them up to his waste. They dragged at least a good half foot onto the floor, to which Karkat scowled. Damn his hereditary shortness. It was hard enough for him to find jeans that fit him on his home planet, let alone on this Earth planet. The uniform pants were definitely out of the question. The administrators would just have to suck it and put up with his grey skinny jeans. He tried on the shirts, and thank the gods those fit, at least.

He unpacked some of his novels and movies, lining them up on one of the tiny shelfs nailed to the walls. There was a miniscule television in the corner, which Karkat grinned at. He could watch his romcoms if he felt like it. That is, if his human dorm mate wasn't nearby. He wasn't sure what romance literature or movies were considered here, but back on Alternia they were considered girly, and Karkat wouldn't be caught dead with them. However, maybe since they were in a different language, he could slide by with reading his books in public, as nobody would be able to tell. He quite liked this idea.

There wasn't much else he could do for the remainder of the day after that. Sure, he could dare to venture out and explore this strange new world- only he wasn't confident in his abilities to find his way back home. For the time being he'd rest, and wait for whatever human he'd be rooming with to arrive. He almost felt sorry for whoever was stuck with him, as they'd probably have to deal with guiding and helping him, no matter how much he denied that he needed it.

Sitting delicately on his sleeping station, he kicked off his shoes. Slowly, he leaned back onto the unfamiliar surface. Running his hands over the light blue blankets, he frowned. This was like nothing he'd ever felt before- sleeping was obviously going to be a thankless task. Adjusting so he was comfortable, Karkat shut his eyes. The uneasiness of the situation slowly, over the course of several hours, faded out of him, replaced by a fitful state of half unconsciousness to which vivid colors and strange objects filled his never ending dreams.


End file.
